Tag Archive: grief


In pieces

In therapy and its a weird sensation when you feel like there are half a dozen or more people inside you? I feel empty and like a robot but at times I become chaotic or furious with anger.

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None of the feelings are happy and end up feeling depressed and hopeless. After therapy, there is always a reaction. three weeks ago, I came home to feeling terrified and like a man was in the house with bad intent. The kitchen door that never closes, slowly closed and I felt my mother like a giant presence in the room. Scared to go to sleep, scared to be in the house alone. Scared. This week felt any all week and full of hate. Today I came out and I was shivering all over and then cried all the way home.

Feel hopeless. Feel so lonely, I can’t cope with what my life is now. Can’t bear it without her, can’t stand being alone with no future and no her. I feel so lonely and don’t understand what happened or why she is not here. I wish she was with me going through this. i feel lost and empty and lonely. I have nowhere to go with it. I try to share it but she just gives platitudes, she doesn’t get into it with me at all. I fear everything, even my own shadow but most of all i fear that there is nothing beyond. Nothing to look forward to, nothing without her.

She is reducing her texts to me and spending less time with me. I don’t see her twice a week anymore, and it kills me. I miss her so much and a week is so long. I dread losing her altogether and dread life without her in it. There is nothing for me anymore. Making love is gone, feeling loved is gone, feeling secure and happy and feeling joy is all gone. Everything that she and our relationship together brought to me is gone and there is no future. I am lost without her and feel so empty and life seems so fruitless and empty. It is two years since she left me on Monday 1st February and yet I miss her still with all my heart and soul.

My whole life feels wasted and pointless. The greatest loss ┬áis the joy I felt in being with her, in holding her, in loving her, in being able to touch her and make love with her, talk to her, long evenings talking and waking in the night to feel her next to me or watch her sleeping. `years and years all gone up in smoke. Nothing left except the memories and our things. She left with nothing but a few clothes and her make up. She didn’t want anything from our life. I thought I was precious to her but I was obviously nothing to her and the pain is as fresh as the day she left. I still can’t believe it. I still can’t bear life without her. Life without her is no life at all no matter what I try to do. Nothing feels the gaping hole that she left when she walked off for someone else. It made everything she ever said to me a lie. Every piece of feeling loved and cherished was collapsed in her words of I know I love you but don’t know what I want anymore. They and all the other words are etched in my memory like barbs that snatch away all the good that she ever did or said.

I can’t seem to shake it and can’t seem to move from it and dread my future and know that I can’t go and see her or hold her. I will never see her home, I will never know where she lives, I will never see her open the door to me. I will never feel her hold me in the night. I will never feel her touch me or be able to touch her. I feel so bleak tonight and so overwrought nd life I am sinking again into this endless mire that seems to be my life. I live for saturdays only because that is when I see her and even that is tarnished with sadness at what I have lost and can’t get back. I wasn’t good enough to hold her or to keep her. I wasn’t interesting enough, or exciting enough or bright enough, I simply wasn’t enough to hold her and for her to love me for life and be with me for life.

I think I must have tortured myself with every possible reason as to why my partner took her leave of me. I am sure this is true of any person who has broken up with a beloved partner. It is horrible to know you are the only one in pain and the only one wishing that it could all be worked out. There is something intrinsically unfair about still absolutely loving the person that has left when they have left you so thoroughly that they don’t feel anything but the release and freedom (except, maybe some troublesome guilt).

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It was always my personal dread to let go to such an extent that I believed the person actually loved and knew me entirely, I never gave of myself so fully as in this last relationship and gave my all in trust to the heart of the woman I loved. This was no little flirt or slap and tickle to me, this was the real thing. Sixteen years later both me and my children and grandchildren are left high and dry.

I have scoured the internet looking for answers when all the time, the fact of the matter, despite possible other issues, is that she simply stopped loving me enough to want to be with me. I no longer figured in her future plans and that is a hard pill to swallow and I have not yet managed to swallow it. She spent so long reassuring me that I was her everything, her world and her most precious gift, along with pledges of love that would last our lifetime that over time I actually believed this fact and sadly, now, because I gave so fully of myself I have no longer got the defences I once had to protect me from this gaping chasm of pain and hurt.

A hawthorn

I know this is supposed to be a good thing but let me tell you when the other person has washed their hands so thoroughly of you that they don’t even want anything of your life together, being in this dreadful grief and pain is no comfort. It simply tells me how little our life meant to her.

After many torturous nights and giving earache to friends and my daughters as I go round and round in my agony of non acceptance, that I simply am not good enough or wanted or loved by my beloved, I realise that I have put off some of the pain and grief in the vain hope of reconciliation but more than this, I know it to be a dread of going through the pain that I went through with my son. I know it is not the same and I know a lot of people cannot equate their partners of spouses with their children. My partner was truly my life and everything in my life, no matter where that took me, I took my partner with me, at least in spirit and heart, if not physically. She was the rock and pivot around which my life revolved and without her, I am truly struggling to find meaning and a point to my life. I am currently at university and have two months to complete assignments and exams but I am such a mess that I am having difficulty concentrating for half an hour. All that I study, I do not retain and I do not want to defer as I fear that I will truly give up if I do this.

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I do not want sympathy or platitudes, if you have split up with someone who you knew you would love for life and wholeheartedly loved them without reserve then you know the pain I am in. I also, have to say that the major problem of a split with my partner was that I also lost my best friend. The two in one is very hard to bare. She was all I ever wanted and would have given the moon and stars for.

In my merciless search for answers, (non forthcoming from my ex-partner) I know that she had been withdrawing from me for at least a year. I actually knew this before she left in the eight weeks that seemed to blow up in our faces over last Christmas. However, since then I have looked in detail at every memory of the last year, the incongruity of certain comments, the ambivalence, the change in attitude towards me, the impatience, the change in language and more latterly the change in body language and behaviour. Of course, I had asked about it at the time, not being one to hide behind denial and stick my head in the sand. I feel things acutely and with my ex partner I could feel every nuance of change, both in my body and in feelings/emotions. This became quite torturous as time went on because she would not tell me the truth but simply became defensive or irritated and then would apologise and reassure me that she loved me and that she was just this or that since her accident or that it was menopause or both, or work. I tried many times to help, to suggest possible things that might help and offered support to her. I must say at this juncture, because of my anger and hurt today, which is why I am writing this, to get it out of my head, I am presenting a very one sided picture. My ex-partner used to be loving and attentive, generous, supportive and we were extremely close in everyway. She was my world and I was so proud of her. She made my heart swell with pride to see her coming down the road or opening the door or in her uniform. She made my stomach flip with desire and after sixteen years that is, when I listen to other people, an amazing feat. Sometimes I would feel I would burst with love for her and I know my ex-partner experienced the same things as me for the years before and even at some points during our last year. I was extremely happy with both her and our life together, sometimes amazingly so. I couldn’t believe I was so lucky. I didn’t keep these things to myself, I always openly shared these emotions with her including how much she meant to me in every way. Now that makes me feel like a mug, especially for what I said and did in the last few weeks. I feel ashamed that I let myself be taken for such a ride and tried so hard to deny the nagging feeling of her pulling away. She would reassure me that it was this or that reason. She even took to her bed last summer getting up for merely a few hours except when at work. I remember asking her several times was she bored with me, was there something wrong, was she depressed. I knew, I knew, I knew, it screams at me and I feel so stupid I tried to believe her lies instead of my gut. I asked her so many times about it that she got cross with me and defensive which was like a red rag to a bull. In the end she used my insecurity, which by the last weeks was worse than it had ever been, against me, she tried to make it my fault. I guess that helped her to pulverise us more. She could blame me and get cross with me and justify her feelings and actions. She had to work very hard to break us into pieces because we were so strong together and so close. I believe that for some of the year she may have not quite known what was going on but still she began to remove herself from me emotionally and physically. In the last six months, she began washing her clothes separate from mine, she wouldn’t wear things I had worn of hers, she became different in her speech towards me. I thought on several occasions she was having an affair. That is still a possibility but I will never know for sure. She of course denied all of these things.

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She changed her job in the April of last year and from then on things got worse. By the last three months she zealously guarded her phone at all times, keeping it on her. I am not given to invading her privacy without permission but one morning, I became so acutely aware of this and thought I should look at what she was hiding and stop denying this to myself. I gingerly and guiltily, went towards her phone while she was still sleeping (my ex-partner usually sleeps very soundly so what followed is very unusual for first thing, early morning), as I wavered in my indecision, she awoke and was acutely aware of what my intention was and grabbed her phone, I told her my intention and she burst into tears, making protests about my not trusting her etc etc. I felt that she was crying only to get me to stop, knowing this was not usual behaviour for me and knowing I would feel horrible about it. However, I believe the tears were put on. I knew that previously she left her phone lying about all over the place and often would leave in her bag or upstairs or on the breakfast bar thing in the kitchen.
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There are a million and one things that I have gone through from the last year and all times my questions and my concerns were dismissed as unfounded or I was given reasonable excuses for her behaviour. At times it was anger at me for accusations and at other times it would be that she would be more herself and take me in her arms and tell me she loved me and that she was just grumpy or whatever. She also had an increase in health problems over the last eighteen months which gave me major cause for concern and at times I was very worried that she had something really awful wrong. Over three consecutive years she had major health issues that required further investigations, each time I feared for her health and life. I know wonder if some of what was to come was already working its way up and trying to find voice. She of course would say this is not about you! However, now I think, wasn’t it? I am no angel and I have done things that I regret and wish I could take back but I never lied about how I felt about my ex-partner and I never made promises that I knew I would never keep.

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I am currently reading a somewhat boring book about 24 hour lucid dreaming and reading it confirms some of the unsettling sensations, sudden flashes of insight, the vague feelings of unease that got more acute over time, all these things I was feeling acutely in the last year of our life together along with much more. It is now final that she has left me and some of that ambivalence is still visible in a much more diluted way in the few texts that she has sent to me since she left. I have put a stop to these texts for my own health and mental health. I am devastated with this loss and the rejection. I have said more about our relationship in the past five weeks than I have ever said in our lifetime together. I feel disloyal but I can’t contain all these feelings and I am using this space to air them and get them out. They are not meant to read well or be grammatically correct, this writing contains some of my pain and confusion. I am using this as a vent and if it helps someone else to see things in their relationship or to feel some sense that they are not alone then that is a good thing.

a heartbreak

I am writing this to try and help myself really, I have all this awful emotion and don’t know where to go with it or how to deal with it. Maybe it will help someone else as well but at this moment I am trying to give vent to this. I feel like I am overloading everyone, including my daughter’s because I feel like a caged animal. The love of my life quite literally walked out of my life and will not give me any reasons why. Before I go any further I want to say that any persons reading this from facebook, some of our friends will know who I am talking about but please bear in mind that I do not want you to take sides, I am talking from my own perspective and can’t talk for the one I have lost, remember that I love this person and I do not want her bad mouthed or hurt in any way, Please do not feel you have to read this. Sometimes, what I say may sound horrible or make you feel angry or defensive, if that happens, remember this is my side of the story, for hers, she might tell you but she might not, it depends how close she is to you.
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I am doing this because I will explode or implode otherwise and I am trying to do lots of practical stuff which is not me at all and trying to bear up under the load of emotion that threatens constantly to engulf me during my studies for university, during courses that I have to attend for the agency I have applied for because I must work as well now to support myself, all the bills need to be moved into my name, getting a bank account, getting rid of our cats, the list is endless and harrowing. Writing has always been my best friend but this is too huge for me to contain and write out into my little note books that I keep. This time I need something more, truly I need the answers from the one I love but she is not telling or giving me any credit or respect, so I need some sort of validation, some sort of release, so I am sending out, rightly or wrongly across cyber space.

I hope to write about this as much as I need to and sometimes I will be angry and other times devastation collapses me and I just want to curl up in bed and hug her pillow and cry my eyes out endlessly until sleep finally releases me for a few short hours, only to wake up and be faced with the same grief and pain again in the early hours of the morning.a heartbreak

Let me give a little background, though I am conscious of protecting the one I love, I am conscious of the harm this is doing me and currently, she is refusing to tell me why this has happened. I only know that in the last two days, she ceased to want to be with me. For me, I don’t believe that she arrived at this of a sudden. I know from how close our relationship used to be that she was withdrawing from me from about April 2013. Before that is muddied because of other goings on which could contain kernals of wisdom and knowledge that I have not yet cracked. I am tormented endlessly with thoughts that go round and round in my head torturing me for a reason, an answer, a why. At first the withdrawal was nothing I could put my finger on, she was moody but she and so I, blamed the car accident for that and then menopause crept into the conversation as a possible blame alongside changes in character because of the accident. Was it this? Or was it something else? How does a person who has professed to love you and idolise you and want you for life stop loving you? How do you become not their soulmate? How does someone who ceases to love you tell you this? Yes, these are the questions that go round and round and now I am sharing them with you all, whoever you are. I suppose when someone loves you so entirely, you must feel terrible when you realise that you know longer feel the same. Nevertheless, that person knows the truth and may be the only one that does and out of respect for the person you used to love and must at least care for, surely you would tell them? Wouldn’t you? Or would you not? I constantly think that she must have known and tried to carry on as normal. Maybe she felt guilty after my son died? Maybe she felt she had to stay, maybe she just kept trying to pretend and in the end she had to be vicious to get out? Maybe, maybe, maybe? I don’t know, you see. alone

Let me tell you a little tale and see what you might deduce from this:
There are subtle, sometimes tiny signs, a change in behaviour, a change in language, a change in reactions to things. She doesn’t offer to buy you things anymore even when you need them like a pair of boots or a new bra. She doesn’t take photos of you anymore. She stops saying the things she used to say like if I asked her if she loved me she would say “I could never mistake this feeling.” When did she last say that to me? I don’t know. She used to say “I love you more and more everyday.” When did she last say that to me? Sometime early last year, I think. Changes in reaction, she used to say, “you can ask me after I have had an anaesthetic if I love you” and she did offer me to put this to the test years ago when she had an operation. For anyone that doesn’t know, when someone has had an anaesthetic it acts like a truth drug apparently when they first come round from it. I didn’t test it because I have a funny honour thing that I adhere to but knowing I could was enough. Every morning when she woke up to my bringing up her coffee before the alarm went off, she would roll over slightly and say “I love you” in the last weeks she stopped doing that and if I questioned it she would get mad and tell me that she hadn’t given her time to wake up. Whenever we might talk about dying and she did a lot before we broke up and I became very worried that she knew something in her gut and was going to die. That scared me terribly and I had trouble sleeping sometimes with worry. We had already had a few scares over the last couple of years. Now I think she was talking in metaphor for us dying. I remember this Christmas gone she said she wanted the Hallelujah song played at her funeral and for me to sing the carol O Holy Night. Another day she talked about her ashes and where she wanted them thrown and I asked if I might keep some and she said, “that goes without saying.” That was recent. Another night in January, not long before we broke up she was talking about living possibly up until she was in her 90’s but when I said I might only live until I am 61 like my Dad or 67 like my mum she didn’t respond as she had always done but carried on about how long she might live. Once, not very long ago, she would have stopped and told me not to say things like that meaning it would be unbearable to think of. My dying had always been something she couldn’t bear to think about any more than I could bear to think about her dying. Subtle changes as she pulled away from me over several months and then more and more over several weeks until she had smashed us into smitherines. She knew she would have to work very hard to smash us and even harder to smash my belief that she loved me. a death7
I am going to stop now, I feel utterly drained and that way I know I have little more I can write tonight as exhaustion overtakes me and I just want my love back. My love, my love, my love who no longer is mine and yet she is the person who I love.a death2

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