Tag Archive: fear

Eureka Moments!

No this is not about a wonderful invention I have created or some scientific breakthrough. However, for me, it was the culmination of everything, that spiritually, I was being told but couldn’t get. In reading something today, in reading about death, the whole thing came together and I was slapped in the face with it!


I need to write this, in order to make it concrete. So often I have moments of inspiration or knowings or other sudden flashes of wisdom and then they are forgotten and dissolve back or are given repeatedly in different guises until my brain or heart, can finally take them on.

wisdom einstein

I believe, this is the fight we have with the ego self. The ego self doesn’t want to know these insights or this deep wisdom, they can be threatening to what the ego wants. Certainly for me, this is why it takes me so long to actually take insights and wisdom to heart. When they are presented, I recognise them as truth but then I continue in my same old groove. The way I have been doing for years.

fighting the ego

Since the breakup of a precious relationship, I have had amazing insights and flashes of inspiration and wisdom. However, in my daily life, I have caused myself excess amounts of pain because of my mind.


Let me explain – many people live in their head, myself included. We use logic to chew over issues, we rationalise situations, argue back and forth, the whys and wherefores of a given subject. This is even more deadly when we are talking about matters of the heart. Rationalising helps us to run from emotion, but more than that, it allows us to prop up our ego self. We are very grown up when we are being rational. We don’t want all that emotional stuff, thats screwy and is liable to cause embarrassment. Besides, our ego doesn’t want to admit defeat and give in to the ‘weakness’ of our hearts and souls.


The following is an example of living in my head – of rationalising. Many of us need to believe in something, whether that is love, religion, our country, ‘our’ football team or whatever. Well my thing was to believe that by some means, my ex would come back and we would rebuild our lives. I was on some hero journey, denying my own needs and desires and hanging, even when it literally was a thread, to every piece of evidence that supported my belief. When evidence came into my awareness that didn’t support my belief, I became furious with anger or resentment. My head would do an inventory of all the supporting evidence and an inventory of all the evidence that didn’t support my belief. I wrangled for literally hours over and over again. I didn’t do this once or twice, no, for two years and still now, my ego fights to support both beliefs. When things were going well and the belief was supported, my ego still would throw up all the times when my belief wasn’t supported. The same would happen when I thought, no, the evidence is not there, face it, its over. Then my mind would present all the evidence to the contrary. My ego jumps from one to the other, to support whichever one might be the winner! This caused me and continues to cause me extreme pain, sometimes causing me to act in a way that was actually detrimental to me, to my life. I say this in the present because this is still true for me at this moment. I have not slayed the dragon……….Yet!


However, in-between these rational arguments for and against, I have had countless spiritual and intuitive pieces of wisdom. When I have followed these, they have proved calming to my spirit, temporarily releasing fear and letting go of outcomes etc. I have even been shown, by various means that my head is what causes the pain and the heightened anxiety and creates the grasping, sometimes hateful nastiness and fury.


I have tried so hard to believe that my ex is coming back that it has caused me huge amounts of pain. Looking constantly for the slightest indication that she is interested in me or feels something for me. This has caused me an endless emotional rollercoaster of feelings, e.g. grief, fury, numbness, devastation, suicidal feelings, pain – including physical pain. I have had millions of conversations with myself, rational, logical conversations which have even led to me becoming excessively insecure (how can you be insecure when they have already left you??!!), angry and resentful. Trying to believe something by will alone is exhausting – you have to constantly prop it up.

fighting the self

When we believe, we try everything to support that believe, we will fight for it, die for it. We believe ourselves to be the hero’s. Whether that is the long suffering hero, who puts up with terrible and constant dramas in our lives – we are the victim of the stories we tell about ourselves – or the religious leader who literally fights wars to support their beliefs.


Now compare this with, I know……………………! (I am not talking about intellectually or rationally here, I am talking spiritually). Think about this, when you know something you don’t feel the need to defend it do you? It just is. I had a solid knowing that she would be at my graduation. At the time, I didn’t know how that would be possible I just knew it. At the time, we weren’t seeing each other, we had just broken up and this was over a year away. She was at my graduation. You can’t argue with a knowing, it just is. Even if you resist it and apply logic to it, it doesn’t go away.


To know, is what is real. When you know something, it cannot be changed or removed, you simply KNOW. I have had many knowings in life, as many of us do. They do not require belief or affirmations to bring them about. They simply are, no argument can change them.


By contrast, fear is generated by belief. There is no fear in knowing, except of course if the KNOWING is how you will die! This is because for most of us, we have a fear of death, our own mortality. That is because we intrinsically fear our own death because our belief, no matter how rigidly we adhere to it cannot prevent our death. Fear creates holding on at all costs and causes us pain because we deny it and fight to keep our fears in check. Anxiety states are like fears that have run amok and is a way of protecting us from perceived dangerous situations.


I have not reached a place in life where I have dissolved my ego and have a knowing that my spirit will live on. I believe this but I don’t KNOW it. I was so struck by this revelation this morning that I had to write it down. I am sure there are others who might find this useful in their journey. Certainly for me, I am still working on resistance and letting go and all those spiritual things that sound so easy and actually are extremely hard for some of us. I can honestly say that the idea of us all being one has never attracted me, in fact, it is a threat to my individuality. I don’t want to be part of everything, I want to be me.


My fight with my ego self is ongoing. Many people tell me I am strong but being strong makes letting go even harder. It just means that my ego is strong and the need to be the hero of my journey is exceptionally attractive to me. Sadly in this fight, I can’t win really and I know that. I know in my heart that to give in and to stop fighting is the answer but I am not there yet.

ego 2

Conversely, I KNOW that I make my path harder because I refuse to give in. This is a fight that many of us have with our ego selves and it is not easy to let go of the ego. It is who we know of as I. It is who we generally believe ourselves to be. I am currently being dismantled and fighting it! It is scary and leaves me feeling life has no meaning. I have insight, however, because I know if I surrendered to it, it would cause me less pain and allow me to meet the dark goddess and go through the death of the self. I will keep you posted on that one.








I am standing looking down and the drop looks endless. I know I have been sitting on what I have to let go of so much so that my arm became immobile. I have been wondering why I created this and why now with my exam around the corner. However my friend sent me a very supportive text and then I read the card reading by muse darling and that cracked it for me. I realised in a gush what was happening and that despite letting go at a Samhain ritual, I was still sitting on it and holding on. Life felt hollow and shallow and as if I was going round in circles getting nowhere. Nothing made any sense. I felt cold about everything and all my zest for life and the future had dissipated along with all hope of anything. I realised, I had been cutting off for weeks and that my vitality had gone with it. My body was telling me what was going on but I couldn’t hear it. It mirrored my immobility, being stuck/blocked. I realised that all the little pieces of creativity had been just that, nothing lasting, nothing with any substance. Little pieces of the old me. I was holding off the point where I surrendered fully. I am terrified. It is impossible to express how terrifying it is to ┬ábe living in the midst of dying. Knowing that you have to die to the life you have had and let yourself crumble and release all that you have been carrying. It is like a death because you have no idea what will happen or how things will change or when or even what exactly your supposed to do. I have known this for two years and I knew it was time to move into transformation but still I didn’t fully engage. instead I have tried every way of escaping it. Trying this and that and all the time, I needed to just let go. This, even as I write it, feels surreal, unreal, impossible. To walk into an abyss, not knowing what the outcome will be or even if you will be recognisable when you come out the authorised or even if you will just lose yourself forever. I have lost so much and logically, I think, how much has to be thrown at me to make me let go. I know that logic and ego cannot cut it now. The choice is to keep going round in ever more superficial circles or jump off the precipice into the unknown. It is utterly terrifying.


Even as I write, I have no idea of how I should do this or even if I am doing it, beyond the words. I only know the fear I feel. There is nowhere to run and nothing has any depth. I have run down an alleyway and hit a brick wall. I know I am supposed to trust but in this empty space, nothing feels certain. I feel alone and empty and can’t quite put in to words what this is. I don’t know. I have never been here. It feels as if I have to choose this death of self or all choice will be lost.

I don’t know where I am going, or how to get there, I just know i have to go! Fear has stopped me moving, fear of losing what I have already lost and fear of losing all sense of myself. Transformation, whatever that is, or however that looks is the only choice.

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