In therapy and its a weird sensation when you feel like there are half a dozen or more people inside you? I feel empty and like a robot but at times I become chaotic or furious with anger.

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None of the feelings are happy and end up feeling depressed and hopeless. After therapy, there is always a reaction. three weeks ago, I came home to feeling terrified and like a man was in the house with bad intent. The kitchen door that never closes, slowly closed and I felt my mother like a giant presence in the room. Scared to go to sleep, scared to be in the house alone. Scared. This week felt any all week and full of hate. Today I came out and I was shivering all over and then cried all the way home.

Feel hopeless. Feel so lonely, I can’t cope with what my life is now. Can’t bear it without her, can’t stand being alone with no future and no her. I feel so lonely and don’t understand what happened or why she is not here. I wish she was with me going through this. i feel lost and empty and lonely. I have nowhere to go with it. I try to share it but she just gives platitudes, she doesn’t get into it with me at all. I fear everything, even my own shadow but most of all i fear that there is nothing beyond. Nothing to look forward to, nothing without her.

She is reducing her texts to me and spending less time with me. I don’t see her twice a week anymore, and it kills me. I miss her so much and a week is so long. I dread losing her altogether and dread life without her in it. There is nothing for me anymore. Making love is gone, feeling loved is gone, feeling secure and happy and feeling joy is all gone. Everything that she and our relationship together brought to me is gone and there is no future. I am lost without her and feel so empty and life seems so fruitless and empty. It is two years since she left me on Monday 1st February and yet I miss her still with all my heart and soul.

My whole life feels wasted and pointless. The greatest loss  is the joy I felt in being with her, in holding her, in loving her, in being able to touch her and make love with her, talk to her, long evenings talking and waking in the night to feel her next to me or watch her sleeping. `years and years all gone up in smoke. Nothing left except the memories and our things. She left with nothing but a few clothes and her make up. She didn’t want anything from our life. I thought I was precious to her but I was obviously nothing to her and the pain is as fresh as the day she left. I still can’t believe it. I still can’t bear life without her. Life without her is no life at all no matter what I try to do. Nothing feels the gaping hole that she left when she walked off for someone else. It made everything she ever said to me a lie. Every piece of feeling loved and cherished was collapsed in her words of I know I love you but don’t know what I want anymore. They and all the other words are etched in my memory like barbs that snatch away all the good that she ever did or said.

I can’t seem to shake it and can’t seem to move from it and dread my future and know that I can’t go and see her or hold her. I will never see her home, I will never know where she lives, I will never see her open the door to me. I will never feel her hold me in the night. I will never feel her touch me or be able to touch her. I feel so bleak tonight and so overwrought nd life I am sinking again into this endless mire that seems to be my life. I live for saturdays only because that is when I see her and even that is tarnished with sadness at what I have lost and can’t get back. I wasn’t good enough to hold her or to keep her. I wasn’t interesting enough, or exciting enough or bright enough, I simply wasn’t enough to hold her and for her to love me for life and be with me for life.

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