Archive for January, 2016

In pieces

In therapy and its a weird sensation when you feel like there are half a dozen or more people inside you? I feel empty and like a robot but at times I become chaotic or furious with anger.

emptinessemptiness 2

None of the feelings are happy and end up feeling depressed and hopeless. After therapy, there is always a reaction. three weeks ago, I came home to feeling terrified and like a man was in the house with bad intent. The kitchen door that never closes, slowly closed and I felt my mother like a giant presence in the room. Scared to go to sleep, scared to be in the house alone. Scared. This week felt any all week and full of hate. Today I came out and I was shivering all over and then cried all the way home.

Feel hopeless. Feel so lonely, I can’t cope with what my life is now. Can’t bear it without her, can’t stand being alone with no future and no her. I feel so lonely and don’t understand what happened or why she is not here. I wish she was with me going through this. i feel lost and empty and lonely. I have nowhere to go with it. I try to share it but she just gives platitudes, she doesn’t get into it with me at all. I fear everything, even my own shadow but most of all i fear that there is nothing beyond. Nothing to look forward to, nothing without her.

She is reducing her texts to me and spending less time with me. I don’t see her twice a week anymore, and it kills me. I miss her so much and a week is so long. I dread losing her altogether and dread life without her in it. There is nothing for me anymore. Making love is gone, feeling loved is gone, feeling secure and happy and feeling joy is all gone. Everything that she and our relationship together brought to me is gone and there is no future. I am lost without her and feel so empty and life seems so fruitless and empty. It is two years since she left me on Monday 1st February and yet I miss her still with all my heart and soul.

My whole life feels wasted and pointless. The greatest loss ┬áis the joy I felt in being with her, in holding her, in loving her, in being able to touch her and make love with her, talk to her, long evenings talking and waking in the night to feel her next to me or watch her sleeping. `years and years all gone up in smoke. Nothing left except the memories and our things. She left with nothing but a few clothes and her make up. She didn’t want anything from our life. I thought I was precious to her but I was obviously nothing to her and the pain is as fresh as the day she left. I still can’t believe it. I still can’t bear life without her. Life without her is no life at all no matter what I try to do. Nothing feels the gaping hole that she left when she walked off for someone else. It made everything she ever said to me a lie. Every piece of feeling loved and cherished was collapsed in her words of I know I love you but don’t know what I want anymore. They and all the other words are etched in my memory like barbs that snatch away all the good that she ever did or said.

I can’t seem to shake it and can’t seem to move from it and dread my future and know that I can’t go and see her or hold her. I will never see her home, I will never know where she lives, I will never see her open the door to me. I will never feel her hold me in the night. I will never feel her touch me or be able to touch her. I feel so bleak tonight and so overwrought nd life I am sinking again into this endless mire that seems to be my life. I live for saturdays only because that is when I see her and even that is tarnished with sadness at what I have lost and can’t get back. I wasn’t good enough to hold her or to keep her. I wasn’t interesting enough, or exciting enough or bright enough, I simply wasn’t enough to hold her and for her to love me for life and be with me for life.


Eureka Moments!

No this is not about a wonderful invention I have created or some scientific breakthrough. However, for me, it was the culmination of everything, that spiritually, I was being told but couldn’t get. In reading something today, in reading about death, the whole thing came together and I was slapped in the face with it!


I need to write this, in order to make it concrete. So often I have moments of inspiration or knowings or other sudden flashes of wisdom and then they are forgotten and dissolve back or are given repeatedly in different guises until my brain or heart, can finally take them on.

wisdom einstein

I believe, this is the fight we have with the ego self. The ego self doesn’t want to know these insights or this deep wisdom, they can be threatening to what the ego wants. Certainly for me, this is why it takes me so long to actually take insights and wisdom to heart. When they are presented, I recognise them as truth but then I continue in my same old groove. The way I have been doing for years.

fighting the ego

Since the breakup of a precious relationship, I have had amazing insights and flashes of inspiration and wisdom. However, in my daily life, I have caused myself excess amounts of pain because of my mind.


Let me explain – many people live in their head, myself included. We use logic to chew over issues, we rationalise situations, argue back and forth, the whys and wherefores of a given subject. This is even more deadly when we are talking about matters of the heart. Rationalising helps us to run from emotion, but more than that, it allows us to prop up our ego self. We are very grown up when we are being rational. We don’t want all that emotional stuff, thats screwy and is liable to cause embarrassment. Besides, our ego doesn’t want to admit defeat and give in to the ‘weakness’ of our hearts and souls.


The following is an example of living in my head – of rationalising. Many of us need to believe in something, whether that is love, religion, our country, ‘our’ football team or whatever. Well my thing was to believe that by some means, my ex would come back and we would rebuild our lives. I was on some hero journey, denying my own needs and desires and hanging, even when it literally was a thread, to every piece of evidence that supported my belief. When evidence came into my awareness that didn’t support my belief, I became furious with anger or resentment. My head would do an inventory of all the supporting evidence and an inventory of all the evidence that didn’t support my belief. I wrangled for literally hours over and over again. I didn’t do this once or twice, no, for two years and still now, my ego fights to support both beliefs. When things were going well and the belief was supported, my ego still would throw up all the times when my belief wasn’t supported. The same would happen when I thought, no, the evidence is not there, face it, its over. Then my mind would present all the evidence to the contrary. My ego jumps from one to the other, to support whichever one might be the winner! This caused me and continues to cause me extreme pain, sometimes causing me to act in a way that was actually detrimental to me, to my life. I say this in the present because this is still true for me at this moment. I have not slayed the dragon……….Yet!


However, in-between these rational arguments for and against, I have had countless spiritual and intuitive pieces of wisdom. When I have followed these, they have proved calming to my spirit, temporarily releasing fear and letting go of outcomes etc. I have even been shown, by various means that my head is what causes the pain and the heightened anxiety and creates the grasping, sometimes hateful nastiness and fury.


I have tried so hard to believe that my ex is coming back that it has caused me huge amounts of pain. Looking constantly for the slightest indication that she is interested in me or feels something for me. This has caused me an endless emotional rollercoaster of feelings, e.g. grief, fury, numbness, devastation, suicidal feelings, pain – including physical pain. I have had millions of conversations with myself, rational, logical conversations which have even led to me becoming excessively insecure (how can you be insecure when they have already left you??!!), angry and resentful. Trying to believe something by will alone is exhausting – you have to constantly prop it up.

fighting the self

When we believe, we try everything to support that believe, we will fight for it, die for it. We believe ourselves to be the hero’s. Whether that is the long suffering hero, who puts up with terrible and constant dramas in our lives – we are the victim of the stories we tell about ourselves – or the religious leader who literally fights wars to support their beliefs.


Now compare this with, I know……………………! (I am not talking about intellectually or rationally here, I am talking spiritually). Think about this, when you know something you don’t feel the need to defend it do you? It just is. I had a solid knowing that she would be at my graduation. At the time, I didn’t know how that would be possible I just knew it. At the time, we weren’t seeing each other, we had just broken up and this was over a year away. She was at my graduation. You can’t argue with a knowing, it just is. Even if you resist it and apply logic to it, it doesn’t go away.


To know, is what is real. When you know something, it cannot be changed or removed, you simply KNOW. I have had many knowings in life, as many of us do. They do not require belief or affirmations to bring them about. They simply are, no argument can change them.


By contrast, fear is generated by belief. There is no fear in knowing, except of course if the KNOWING is how you will die! This is because for most of us, we have a fear of death, our own mortality. That is because we intrinsically fear our own death because our belief, no matter how rigidly we adhere to it cannot prevent our death. Fear creates holding on at all costs and causes us pain because we deny it and fight to keep our fears in check. Anxiety states are like fears that have run amok and is a way of protecting us from perceived dangerous situations.


I have not reached a place in life where I have dissolved my ego and have a knowing that my spirit will live on. I believe this but I don’t KNOW it. I was so struck by this revelation this morning that I had to write it down. I am sure there are others who might find this useful in their journey. Certainly for me, I am still working on resistance and letting go and all those spiritual things that sound so easy and actually are extremely hard for some of us. I can honestly say that the idea of us all being one has never attracted me, in fact, it is a threat to my individuality. I don’t want to be part of everything, I want to be me.


My fight with my ego self is ongoing. Many people tell me I am strong but being strong makes letting go even harder. It just means that my ego is strong and the need to be the hero of my journey is exceptionally attractive to me. Sadly in this fight, I can’t win really and I know that. I know in my heart that to give in and to stop fighting is the answer but I am not there yet.

ego 2

Conversely, I KNOW that I make my path harder because I refuse to give in. This is a fight that many of us have with our ego selves and it is not easy to let go of the ego. It is who we know of as I. It is who we generally believe ourselves to be. I am currently being dismantled and fighting it! It is scary and leaves me feeling life has no meaning. I have insight, however, because I know if I surrendered to it, it would cause me less pain and allow me to meet the dark goddess and go through the death of the self. I will keep you posted on that one.






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