precipice

I am standing looking down and the drop looks endless. I know I have been sitting on what I have to let go of so much so that my arm became immobile. I have been wondering why I created this and why now with my exam around the corner. However my friend sent me a very supportive text and then I read the card reading by muse darling and that cracked it for me. I realised in a gush what was happening and that despite letting go at a Samhain ritual, I was still sitting on it and holding on. Life felt hollow and shallow and as if I was going round in circles getting nowhere. Nothing made any sense. I felt cold about everything and all my zest for life and the future had dissipated along with all hope of anything. I realised, I had been cutting off for weeks and that my vitality had gone with it. My body was telling me what was going on but I couldn’t hear it. It mirrored my immobility, being stuck/blocked. I realised that all the little pieces of creativity had been just that, nothing lasting, nothing with any substance. Little pieces of the old me. I was holding off the point where I surrendered fully. I am terrified. It is impossible to express how terrifying it is to  be living in the midst of dying. Knowing that you have to die to the life you have had and let yourself crumble and release all that you have been carrying. It is like a death because you have no idea what will happen or how things will change or when or even what exactly your supposed to do. I have known this for two years and I knew it was time to move into transformation but still I didn’t fully engage. instead I have tried every way of escaping it. Trying this and that and all the time, I needed to just let go. This, even as I write it, feels surreal, unreal, impossible. To walk into an abyss, not knowing what the outcome will be or even if you will be recognisable when you come out the authorised or even if you will just lose yourself forever. I have lost so much and logically, I think, how much has to be thrown at me to make me let go. I know that logic and ego cannot cut it now. The choice is to keep going round in ever more superficial circles or jump off the precipice into the unknown. It is utterly terrifying.

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Even as I write, I have no idea of how I should do this or even if I am doing it, beyond the words. I only know the fear I feel. There is nowhere to run and nothing has any depth. I have run down an alleyway and hit a brick wall. I know I am supposed to trust but in this empty space, nothing feels certain. I feel alone and empty and can’t quite put in to words what this is. I don’t know. I have never been here. It feels as if I have to choose this death of self or all choice will be lost.

I don’t know where I am going, or how to get there, I just know i have to go! Fear has stopped me moving, fear of losing what I have already lost and fear of losing all sense of myself. Transformation, whatever that is, or however that looks is the only choice.

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