I think I must have tortured myself with every possible reason as to why my partner took her leave of me. I am sure this is true of any person who has broken up with a beloved partner. It is horrible to know you are the only one in pain and the only one wishing that it could all be worked out. There is something intrinsically unfair about still absolutely loving the person that has left when they have left you so thoroughly that they don’t feel anything but the release and freedom (except, maybe some troublesome guilt).

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It was always my personal dread to let go to such an extent that I believed the person actually loved and knew me entirely, I never gave of myself so fully as in this last relationship and gave my all in trust to the heart of the woman I loved. This was no little flirt or slap and tickle to me, this was the real thing. Sixteen years later both me and my children and grandchildren are left high and dry.

I have scoured the internet looking for answers when all the time, the fact of the matter, despite possible other issues, is that she simply stopped loving me enough to want to be with me. I no longer figured in her future plans and that is a hard pill to swallow and I have not yet managed to swallow it. She spent so long reassuring me that I was her everything, her world and her most precious gift, along with pledges of love that would last our lifetime that over time I actually believed this fact and sadly, now, because I gave so fully of myself I have no longer got the defences I once had to protect me from this gaping chasm of pain and hurt.

A hawthorn

I know this is supposed to be a good thing but let me tell you when the other person has washed their hands so thoroughly of you that they don’t even want anything of your life together, being in this dreadful grief and pain is no comfort. It simply tells me how little our life meant to her.

After many torturous nights and giving earache to friends and my daughters as I go round and round in my agony of non acceptance, that I simply am not good enough or wanted or loved by my beloved, I realise that I have put off some of the pain and grief in the vain hope of reconciliation but more than this, I know it to be a dread of going through the pain that I went through with my son. I know it is not the same and I know a lot of people cannot equate their partners of spouses with their children. My partner was truly my life and everything in my life, no matter where that took me, I took my partner with me, at least in spirit and heart, if not physically. She was the rock and pivot around which my life revolved and without her, I am truly struggling to find meaning and a point to my life. I am currently at university and have two months to complete assignments and exams but I am such a mess that I am having difficulty concentrating for half an hour. All that I study, I do not retain and I do not want to defer as I fear that I will truly give up if I do this.

a meadowsweet
I do not want sympathy or platitudes, if you have split up with someone who you knew you would love for life and wholeheartedly loved them without reserve then you know the pain I am in. I also, have to say that the major problem of a split with my partner was that I also lost my best friend. The two in one is very hard to bare. She was all I ever wanted and would have given the moon and stars for.

In my merciless search for answers, (non forthcoming from my ex-partner) I know that she had been withdrawing from me for at least a year. I actually knew this before she left in the eight weeks that seemed to blow up in our faces over last Christmas. However, since then I have looked in detail at every memory of the last year, the incongruity of certain comments, the ambivalence, the change in attitude towards me, the impatience, the change in language and more latterly the change in body language and behaviour. Of course, I had asked about it at the time, not being one to hide behind denial and stick my head in the sand. I feel things acutely and with my ex partner I could feel every nuance of change, both in my body and in feelings/emotions. This became quite torturous as time went on because she would not tell me the truth but simply became defensive or irritated and then would apologise and reassure me that she loved me and that she was just this or that since her accident or that it was menopause or both, or work. I tried many times to help, to suggest possible things that might help and offered support to her. I must say at this juncture, because of my anger and hurt today, which is why I am writing this, to get it out of my head, I am presenting a very one sided picture. My ex-partner used to be loving and attentive, generous, supportive and we were extremely close in everyway. She was my world and I was so proud of her. She made my heart swell with pride to see her coming down the road or opening the door or in her uniform. She made my stomach flip with desire and after sixteen years that is, when I listen to other people, an amazing feat. Sometimes I would feel I would burst with love for her and I know my ex-partner experienced the same things as me for the years before and even at some points during our last year. I was extremely happy with both her and our life together, sometimes amazingly so. I couldn’t believe I was so lucky. I didn’t keep these things to myself, I always openly shared these emotions with her including how much she meant to me in every way. Now that makes me feel like a mug, especially for what I said and did in the last few weeks. I feel ashamed that I let myself be taken for such a ride and tried so hard to deny the nagging feeling of her pulling away. She would reassure me that it was this or that reason. She even took to her bed last summer getting up for merely a few hours except when at work. I remember asking her several times was she bored with me, was there something wrong, was she depressed. I knew, I knew, I knew, it screams at me and I feel so stupid I tried to believe her lies instead of my gut. I asked her so many times about it that she got cross with me and defensive which was like a red rag to a bull. In the end she used my insecurity, which by the last weeks was worse than it had ever been, against me, she tried to make it my fault. I guess that helped her to pulverise us more. She could blame me and get cross with me and justify her feelings and actions. She had to work very hard to break us into pieces because we were so strong together and so close. I believe that for some of the year she may have not quite known what was going on but still she began to remove herself from me emotionally and physically. In the last six months, she began washing her clothes separate from mine, she wouldn’t wear things I had worn of hers, she became different in her speech towards me. I thought on several occasions she was having an affair. That is still a possibility but I will never know for sure. She of course denied all of these things.

althaeaoffi

She changed her job in the April of last year and from then on things got worse. By the last three months she zealously guarded her phone at all times, keeping it on her. I am not given to invading her privacy without permission but one morning, I became so acutely aware of this and thought I should look at what she was hiding and stop denying this to myself. I gingerly and guiltily, went towards her phone while she was still sleeping (my ex-partner usually sleeps very soundly so what followed is very unusual for first thing, early morning), as I wavered in my indecision, she awoke and was acutely aware of what my intention was and grabbed her phone, I told her my intention and she burst into tears, making protests about my not trusting her etc etc. I felt that she was crying only to get me to stop, knowing this was not usual behaviour for me and knowing I would feel horrible about it. However, I believe the tears were put on. I knew that previously she left her phone lying about all over the place and often would leave in her bag or upstairs or on the breakfast bar thing in the kitchen.
an OakTree

There are a million and one things that I have gone through from the last year and all times my questions and my concerns were dismissed as unfounded or I was given reasonable excuses for her behaviour. At times it was anger at me for accusations and at other times it would be that she would be more herself and take me in her arms and tell me she loved me and that she was just grumpy or whatever. She also had an increase in health problems over the last eighteen months which gave me major cause for concern and at times I was very worried that she had something really awful wrong. Over three consecutive years she had major health issues that required further investigations, each time I feared for her health and life. I know wonder if some of what was to come was already working its way up and trying to find voice. She of course would say this is not about you! However, now I think, wasn’t it? I am no angel and I have done things that I regret and wish I could take back but I never lied about how I felt about my ex-partner and I never made promises that I knew I would never keep.

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I am currently reading a somewhat boring book about 24 hour lucid dreaming and reading it confirms some of the unsettling sensations, sudden flashes of insight, the vague feelings of unease that got more acute over time, all these things I was feeling acutely in the last year of our life together along with much more. It is now final that she has left me and some of that ambivalence is still visible in a much more diluted way in the few texts that she has sent to me since she left. I have put a stop to these texts for my own health and mental health. I am devastated with this loss and the rejection. I have said more about our relationship in the past five weeks than I have ever said in our lifetime together. I feel disloyal but I can’t contain all these feelings and I am using this space to air them and get them out. They are not meant to read well or be grammatically correct, this writing contains some of my pain and confusion. I am using this as a vent and if it helps someone else to see things in their relationship or to feel some sense that they are not alone then that is a good thing.

a heartbreak