Archive for February, 2014

I am writing this to try and help myself really, I have all this awful emotion and don’t know where to go with it or how to deal with it. Maybe it will help someone else as well but at this moment I am trying to give vent to this. I feel like I am overloading everyone, including my daughter’s because I feel like a caged animal. The love of my life quite literally walked out of my life and will not give me any reasons why. Before I go any further I want to say that any persons reading this from facebook, some of our friends will know who I am talking about but please bear in mind that I do not want you to take sides, I am talking from my own perspective and can’t talk for the one I have lost, remember that I love this person and I do not want her bad mouthed or hurt in any way, Please do not feel you have to read this. Sometimes, what I say may sound horrible or make you feel angry or defensive, if that happens, remember this is my side of the story, for hers, she might tell you but she might not, it depends how close she is to you.
a death

I am doing this because I will explode or implode otherwise and I am trying to do lots of practical stuff which is not me at all and trying to bear up under the load of emotion that threatens constantly to engulf me during my studies for university, during courses that I have to attend for the agency I have applied for because I must work as well now to support myself, all the bills need to be moved into my name, getting a bank account, getting rid of our cats, the list is endless and harrowing. Writing has always been my best friend but this is too huge for me to contain and write out into my little note books that I keep. This time I need something more, truly I need the answers from the one I love but she is not telling or giving me any credit or respect, so I need some sort of validation, some sort of release, so I am sending out, rightly or wrongly across cyber space.

I hope to write about this as much as I need to and sometimes I will be angry and other times devastation collapses me and I just want to curl up in bed and hug her pillow and cry my eyes out endlessly until sleep finally releases me for a few short hours, only to wake up and be faced with the same grief and pain again in the early hours of the morning.a heartbreak

Let me give a little background, though I am conscious of protecting the one I love, I am conscious of the harm this is doing me and currently, she is refusing to tell me why this has happened. I only know that in the last two days, she ceased to want to be with me. For me, I don’t believe that she arrived at this of a sudden. I know from how close our relationship used to be that she was withdrawing from me from about April 2013. Before that is muddied because of other goings on which could contain kernals of wisdom and knowledge that I have not yet cracked. I am tormented endlessly with thoughts that go round and round in my head torturing me for a reason, an answer, a why. At first the withdrawal was nothing I could put my finger on, she was moody but she and so I, blamed the car accident for that and then menopause crept into the conversation as a possible blame alongside changes in character because of the accident. Was it this? Or was it something else? How does a person who has professed to love you and idolise you and want you for life stop loving you? How do you become not their soulmate? How does someone who ceases to love you tell you this? Yes, these are the questions that go round and round and now I am sharing them with you all, whoever you are. I suppose when someone loves you so entirely, you must feel terrible when you realise that you know longer feel the same. Nevertheless, that person knows the truth and may be the only one that does and out of respect for the person you used to love and must at least care for, surely you would tell them? Wouldn’t you? Or would you not? I constantly think that she must have known and tried to carry on as normal. Maybe she felt guilty after my son died? Maybe she felt she had to stay, maybe she just kept trying to pretend and in the end she had to be vicious to get out? Maybe, maybe, maybe? I don’t know, you see. alone

Let me tell you a little tale and see what you might deduce from this:
There are subtle, sometimes tiny signs, a change in behaviour, a change in language, a change in reactions to things. She doesn’t offer to buy you things anymore even when you need them like a pair of boots or a new bra. She doesn’t take photos of you anymore. She stops saying the things she used to say like if I asked her if she loved me she would say “I could never mistake this feeling.” When did she last say that to me? I don’t know. She used to say “I love you more and more everyday.” When did she last say that to me? Sometime early last year, I think. Changes in reaction, she used to say, “you can ask me after I have had an anaesthetic if I love you” and she did offer me to put this to the test years ago when she had an operation. For anyone that doesn’t know, when someone has had an anaesthetic it acts like a truth drug apparently when they first come round from it. I didn’t test it because I have a funny honour thing that I adhere to but knowing I could was enough. Every morning when she woke up to my bringing up her coffee before the alarm went off, she would roll over slightly and say “I love you” in the last weeks she stopped doing that and if I questioned it she would get mad and tell me that she hadn’t given her time to wake up. Whenever we might talk about dying and she did a lot before we broke up and I became very worried that she knew something in her gut and was going to die. That scared me terribly and I had trouble sleeping sometimes with worry. We had already had a few scares over the last couple of years. Now I think she was talking in metaphor for us dying. I remember this Christmas gone she said she wanted the Hallelujah song played at her funeral and for me to sing the carol O Holy Night. Another day she talked about her ashes and where she wanted them thrown and I asked if I might keep some and she said, “that goes without saying.” That was recent. Another night in January, not long before we broke up she was talking about living possibly up until she was in her 90’s but when I said I might only live until I am 61 like my Dad or 67 like my mum she didn’t respond as she had always done but carried on about how long she might live. Once, not very long ago, she would have stopped and told me not to say things like that meaning it would be unbearable to think of. My dying had always been something she couldn’t bear to think about any more than I could bear to think about her dying. Subtle changes as she pulled away from me over several months and then more and more over several weeks until she had smashed us into smitherines. She knew she would have to work very hard to smash us and even harder to smash my belief that she loved me. a death7
I am going to stop now, I feel utterly drained and that way I know I have little more I can write tonight as exhaustion overtakes me and I just want my love back. My love, my love, my love who no longer is mine and yet she is the person who I love.a death2


All around me, illusion plays tricks on me, deception wreaks havoc, though everything looks the same. There is coldness, deathlike and creeping through every inch. The house that breathed now drips mildew feeling the lack of you. The food sits untouched in the fridge, the heating makes no difference to the bone broken, lack life, skin that I’m in.

Betrayal 5

My heart beats still but the resounding echo whose voice it followed no longer chimes its soul mate beat. Inside the anger rushes through me like a fire that burns, like the passion, only a few weeks ago. Can love die in the midst of its warmth? Can this screaming, inside my head, ever stop? Can my endless visions of you, that make my pulse race, my body arc, in ecstasy, be only ghosts of dreams that die like dust? Your eyes, the depths of your soul, your heart no longer mine? Sobs rise from the pit of my soul, gushing like a river spewing forth from the depths of a cave.

This surely is the greatest punishment, thrust from loves warm embrace to splatter the street with endless tears. A house, soulless, stark, dreary. The echoing walls, an empty shell, worn, lost, hopeless. I hear your words over and over in my head. Questions rise and I hear your answers come, I know your heart so well. It is so acute at times that I almost think you are inside of me. For a moment, here and there, that connection but no, it is severed like a head from the body, the bloodied corpse lies bleeding whilst the executioner wipes her blade and walks away.

a betrayal 4

How sorely one can be cut through, damaged, burned, betrayed. Broken, lost and wretched; my face beyond its bloom, eyes sunken, arms wasting where once they held your gaze and body close. Every moment ticks past, doggedly killing each long, strangling minute, worthless without you. All pales into insignificance. You are free but I am chained in this frightening tragedy.
a betrayal

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