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dark night 5

 

The void progresses leaving me feeling cut off, lonely and without a single goal that I can put in place. All the avenues that I love/loved have disappeared. I have no inspiration or its creative energy to make art or create items. I have lost the desire to dance and act and sing. Sometimes I sing, but these come in downloads and once the song has spent, it is gone. Back into the ethers. I feel like I have nothing to look forward to and suddenly feel incredibly old.

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Today, I remembered that this time last year, I still had the love of my life in my life, albeit as a friend, I still had my dogs, I was still in a band and loved the music and the songs and even the rehearsals. I was still working in addiction which is my speciality and I was still looking forward to the possibility of getting an agent for my acting. Financially, I was fine and earning decent money.

countryside

I know the purpose of the void is death and re-birth but with the Dark Night of the soul, I still had times of creativity. Now, I have gone into, what feels like a pit, that is so dark there is nothing to see, do, or be. It is like having the blandest life anyone could imagine. I know this sounds a bit piteous, but I want to write what I feel like now so that I remember this feeling. I think when you’re in something that feels so tough and lonely and alone, you think that when you come out of it, you will remember how it felt. However, I didn’t write much of the Dark Night and some of the experience is lost to me now. You could say what does it matter? However, then and now, I really wanted someone to show me what I was going through. I wanted someone to say, these feelings are normal, its okay, you will come out of this. I found very  little useful information at the time and since entering the void, which feels like its gone on for ever, I only found one good you tube video on it and nothing written. Fortunately, spirit brought me back to Caroline Myss and Energy Anatomy, who I had read with my ex partner maybe 18 years ago? This led to Entering the Castle which has truly been a huge help. It has provided a map for what I am going through. I need to add that my spirituality is very precious to me and in the latter part of the Dark Night and especially in the Void, I lost all connection to spirit. This was even more horrendous to me, than losing all creativity. It has started to come back now, but is not quite the same as it was, but the ‘Entering the Castle’ helps.

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Still, the point of writing this now, is that maybe there is someone out there, that is going through the same thing and feels totally lost. That is what I feel, totally lost, like life has lost all point. There is nothing I can hook on to and get involved in, because there is no creativity or its necessary energy. I have some urge for writing but even that has diminished at the moment. It is like all ambition and all hope for the future has gone. I am totally unable to plan a life, or any part of it. Literally all of it has gone out of the window. I am left with the hope that this is not just some weird depression of everything I know and feel, but is rather a controlled journey, by forces beyond human. I am left having to trust that this is meant to be. I have to add here, that my spirituality did leave me, tell tale signs, prior to entering what is now, nearly a year of ever increasing nothingness.  The Void. I will list these below:

When I was young, I had a repetitive dream of being in a dark pit and every time I tried to crawl back up and out, I was sent falling back into the pit. I also had a repetitive dream of doing some sort of mission for others. On a more sobering note, I also had a repetitive dream as a child, of being alone in a cottage on the edge of society, like an old fashioned wise woman. Oh joy!  As an adult, over the last few years, a very dear friend did a journey for me and foretold certain things which included, at the end, entering the Void. Neither of us really knew what this mean but he directed me to the story of Bran in the Mabinogion. This was actually, very apt.

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On another occasion, a butterfly flew out of my fridge, (yes, it flew out of my fridge), when I opened the door. It almost collided into my face, it took a steep turn and ended up in the washing up bowl which was filled with water. Horrified, as even then, I realised the implications of this sign! I fished the poor butterfly out of the water and put it up in my warm study, in the hopes it would dry out and be okay. The next morning, it was sitting about three quarters of the way up, on my study window. I was very relieved that it was alive and its wings were working. I opened the window and out it flew.

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Just over a year ago now, I did a journey. My intent for the journey, was thrown out and the journey I was taken on was the alchemical marriage. I felt, at the time, very confused as to how this could happen and also very humbled. I felt unsure that I would be ever able to take such a journey. However, it seems that this too was taken out of my hands. The journey into the Dark Night began and from there, I entered into the Void. I can’t quite remember when the transfer happened, but think it was about October time last year. Suddenly, nothing worked, I had been gradually losing so much, I can’t recall all of it. Some were little and some were huge. It was and still is intensely scary. Everything you know of yourself and your life just simply comes to an end. Its like leaving a beautiful but rather messy room, full of wonderful things and finding yourself in a bland and darkened, laundry room from the 1800’s, doing repetitive and endless chores, which I have to say, increase your feelings of hopelessness. It is like, life bleeds out of you and goes off to live somewhere else, leaving you feeling like a card board cut out. This might sound drastic and it is and is probably the best way to describe it. There is a nothingness, so huge, you can’t get round it. It doesn’t matter if you want to create something new, you simply can’t. It doesn’t matter if you want to plan a new life, you simply can’t. It doesn’t matter what you want, period! It is happening and there is nothing you can do to bring your old life back! I resisted and tried to fight it endlessly. I ranted and self sabotaged by shouting and yelling at the gods and spirits. I am not really the surrendering type, so this journey has been, probably more bumpy and filled with rocks, than may be necessary for others.

dark night

I tried to do a journey one day to the ancestors and hit total blackness. Nothing going on at all. If you know anything about shamanic work, you will know you cannot do this alone. It’s not like giving a massage or being a Aromatherapist. If spirit is not leading, you are NOT going anywhere sunshine! This was a huge blow. It threw me into a form of despair and there have been times when I have felt that there is no point and wanted to end it all. And yet, somehow, because of how drastic this is, you know somewhere in this, that this is happening from another source. It is happening for a reason. Even I, who, trust me, has had a tumultuous life, at times, and not in a good way, know I couldn’t mess my life up to that degree! For those of you that might be screaming, this is depression, get to the doctors and get some anti-depressants! I say, no!! Whatever, you do, don’t do that, it will not help you! It may well, prolong your period in the Dark night or Void. Some small or rather, tiny part of you knows, this is happening for a reason. You are being blocked and halted for a reason. I don’t mean some fabulous, lofty reason. I mean the reason to be taking this journey, whether you like it or not. It is different to real depression. This, I can’t really explain past that. You know it when you have it. After all, how many depressed people do you know that say, this is the dark night of the soul?

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I also need to add that you can feel that things are happening beyond your control. I still desire to do things but there is no energy to do them. For instance, I will see a gorgeous sunset and want to paint it, but the energy that flows through an artist, to paint, is simply not there. It doesn’t come. If you are an artist, you will know what I mean. Currently, I draw/paint, when I try to defy what is happening, but what I create, is like that of a five year old! I have come to the disappointing but revealing conclusion, that I must have a huge ego, because I fight to the bitter end. Instead of surrendering, which to be fair, I do try to do, sometimes! I generally, stamp my feet and keep trying to do the things I used to love to do, only to be disappointed again and again. It is like that gift has been taken away completely and I grieve bitterly for it at times. I have no way of knowing whether it will ever come back.

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In the Void, you feel totally alone, even amongst people. Everything happening to you has absolutely nothing to do with negative thinking, or affirmations or creating your own reality. That definitively will not work, give it up. If you are in the Dark Night, or worse, the Void, please do not artificially try to raise your vibration. You will find yourself in the middle of a fight with yourself, in a cycle of trying to raise your vibration and falling flat on your face. Give it up, this is where the gods/spirit, what ever you want to call the Divine, contrary to all the new age stuff, is being done for a reason! It is a death of the old life and possibly, the loss of everything you knew of that life, including people you love, relationships, friendships, financial stability, your home, your career, your desires and ambitions, everything. You lose so much that you just know this is beyond reasonable, you know that it doesn’t make any sense. If you are being led through this process, there is no seat belt and there is no knowing, how long you will remain in this. The rebirth, I can’t write about yet, but birth is painful too, usually. So I imagine that re-birth has its own sunshine and utter darkness in its labour pains. Deep joy!!!

 

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I think one of the biggest problems, when facing this journey, which has been charted by many, for millennia, most of us don’t have the option to just go off in the woods and sit  there for months on end. Most of us don’t have a spiritual master to help lead us through it. Neither do we, in the west have any concept of this journey now. Our lives are fast paced, full of bills, full of demands and requirements and obligations. We don’t have a wise person to turn to, to help direct us through these difficult transitions. We have lost our templates and spiritual masters. We have rendered them to the past, like relics. Within our culture, we are logic and thought driven, there is no room for that kind of transition, nor really, much understanding. Although, conversely, I believe that more and more people will be facing this sort of transition, as we are being forced to move beyond where we currently are.

If I was growing up in a tribe, they would know what to do with me and how to lead me through it. However, I would still have to go off on my own to meet my own demons and fears.

facing fears

I know that most of the current information out there in the new age scene is mostly about ascension, awakening, creating the life you choose and so forth. However, there is no talk of the very real journey of the true Dark Night and certainly, almost nothing on the Void. This certainly does not help when you are going through the Dark Night/the Void. It can compound your feelings of loneliness and abandonment and all the other feelings you may be experiencing. For myself, I wondered endlessly what I was doing wrong, that I wasn’t awakening or ascending. As I said previously, my connection to my spirituality was very strong and I often had knowings and other mystical happenings before the Void. However, most of what they wrote about, I couldn’t relate to and this increased my sense of aloneness once I was in the Dark Night. I think one thing positive, hooray! I will say about the Void. There is a definitive feeling of knowing this is meant to be this way. I might have no idea of what is on the other side of this or even if there is another side, at this point. However, you know, somewhere inside, this is being held, you are being held down, the you, you know of. Its like being put in a dark room and left there. You know someone has the key and you know that you are stuck here until that someone chooses to open the door again. I would say it is like a cocoon but that would imply it was cosy and warm and the Void is certainly not that!

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I leave you with this:

The journey is long, how long, no-one but the gods know. It is scary and sometimes terrifying. It is lonely and you may well feel completely lost and abandoned. You may have a strong desire, sometimes, an all consuming desire to go ‘home.’ This is not so much a place and is hard to define. It is like being a child and wanting to find your mum. You will feel vulnerable, sometimes very vulnerable. You will feel angry and want to resist being pushed down this funnel – a funnel into  where? Who knows? You may feel you are going mad. You may hear voices, you may feel suicidal, you may feel absolutely nothing works anymore. You may feel that your life is over – it is, as you know it – but….. there is more, but not yet! You may reach complete surrender sooner than others or like me, you may fight endlessly for your life and end up in tears when you realise that no matter what you do, your going down this road anyway. Or, again like me, you may reach a point of surrender, or think you have and then something else goes ‘wrong.’ Let’s say, someone smashes up your only car or your best friend tells you they are moving half way round the world to a tiny village to help in the rice fields. So now, you won’t even be able to face time or Skype them! Then you shout and demand again and your back in the ring for round 2, or 3 or 9 or 50. Then you think you have reached the place of surrender again but your ego kicks in and you throw another wobbler! You might find yourself being even more judgemental or angry or emotional than ever and think, ‘this can’t be a spiritual journey!’

It is, but all that stuff, comes up to be cleared too! Yeah! Not fun, in fact, this journey in the Dark Night and certainly in the Void, is anything but fun!!

a halloween crone

On that note, I just want to say that the Void I am talking about is not the void of creation, as most people know of it. This is a Void of utter darkness, some people might understand it as the descent into the Dark Goddess or the Underworld or the Hero/Heroine’s journey.

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Don’t give up! Try to continue some sort of spiritual practice even if you feel like your talking to a brick wall! It will feel like that! You may think what is the point? My connection has been totally annihilated! Do it anyway and if you can’t, try to take time out in nature at least or sit in your garden and note the weather and the season. Try to take care of yourself as best you can. When you don’t feel like yourself at all, you can feel very lost but you need to just carry on with the mundane, there is no choice really. Your life probably feels very flat and isolated. Very little will interest you and many things will  feel so far removed from you that you can’t engage with them anymore. An example would be, politics or the news or reading books or reviews etc. Let yourself sleep, write a journal if you are able, make sure you eat, even when the food tastes as bland as your life. Keep going. Talk to whoever the Divine is to you even if you can’t feel them talking to you. Trees are great companions for this walk. They can bring comfort or at least a little bit of peace. Walk on the earth when you can, with bare feet if possible, not in the snow, obviously! You will develop a way of staying in the moment, at least for the while that you are allowing yourself to do this. This can be very nurturing in a time of chaos and confusion.

Bright Blessings

june 2010 069

women's freedom

This post was created for my women’s empowerment group on Facebook but thought it would be useful to add to my blog too.

I would like to cite something quite different in this post. It may be seen as blasphemy by those who hold strictly to the Christian beliefs. However, it might be useful to know that I originally brought this book when I was a practicing Christian. I searched high and low because, brought up since a young child in the Christian faith, I saw many inconsistencies in the bible texts, both in the way different preachers interpreted them and from reading of the bible myself.

I was ‘made’ to learn the ‘scriptures’ and to learn parts by heart as well as having to take scripture exams. My father was a strict authoritarian who believed that men were worth gold and women only silver. He believed that all women should submit to men. Whether that be to their fathers, husbands, brothers, men of the church and clergymen. However, I saw the ambiguity in what I read and the hypocrisy of many of the congregation, not least of which, I saw in my own household.

It was so obvious to me even as a young girl, that the judgemental attitudes I witnessed and the direct abuse I experienced, as well as the countless patriarchal put downs with regard to women, surely couldn’t be true of a god who created all. I hasten to add that I don’t ascribe to any man made religions. I say man made because it has been proven that certain aspects of scriptures were either taken out or deliberately misinterpreted. Even my authoritarian father suffered confusion about me. I was bright and talented and there were many times where I could see that he struggled with the waste of that with me being a female.

Women's freedom 3

My quest for the truth, meant as an adult, I searched endlessly for something to prove what I knew in my gut. I even considered learning ancient Hebrew and Greek in order to interpret the original passages. Thank fully, I didn’t have to go that far because I found a book that answered, at least some of my questions. It is called Gods Word To Women – by Katharine C Bushnell. She was a sholar – 1836 – 1946. She did just that, she was a scholar of Hebrew and Greek and studied the bible passages in their own languages and was able to show that many passages had been wrongly translated. It is also interesting to note that though this was published, it weirdly disappeared from the book shops for a long time! Unfortunately, I no longer have my original copy which states the dates with regard to its disappearance. Even now, it is not a commonly known book, at least not in England.

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I recommend to every Christian woman, and even those that are not Christian to read this book. There is a lot of healing for a lot of women who were seriously abused by the male interpretation of the bible scripture. There are still parts that the male part of the church, still seek to ridicule or dismiss but there are parts that completely change the meaning of a given verse/chapter. These have thankfully been left in place.

The author states in Lesson 1:

“To point out to women the fallacies in the ‘Scriptural’ argument for the supremacy of the male sex.”

“To show the true position of women in the economy of god.”

It can make difficult reading but even so, there has been so much damage over the centuries to countless women. Many of these women, still live under this religion and this delusion that they are less than the males.

Sadly, even in modern women, not necessarily Christian, I have hear mothers on too many occasions, praise their sons for far less, than they expect of their daughters for the same praise. I have witnessed open preference for the male child against the girl child. Many times, I have heard mother’s talk to their daughter’s or about their daughter’s in derogatory terms e.g. ‘she is such a bitch!’

It saddens and infuriates me, to see mother’s, who have taken their lack of self worth and conditioning, served by a long and inflated patriarchy, to heart, to such a degree that they ensure the slaying of their own daughter’s self esteem. Keeping women silent and ensuring that they are abused enough to be ineffectual is the underhand programme of the patriarchy. The evidence of its effectiveness is still writhe in some of today’s mothers and their treatment of their daughters. Like in other religions, the male species, no longer have to ensure that the worthlessness of women is passed on directly, when they have women themselves who perpetuate it.

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.A recently discovered DNA marker suggests that 10% of Scottish men are directly descended from the Picts. Many generations of historians have puzzled over what used to be called the problem of the…

Source: Who are the Picts? Scotlands DNA finds an answer.

In pieces

In therapy and its a weird sensation when you feel like there are half a dozen or more people inside you? I feel empty and like a robot but at times I become chaotic or furious with anger.

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None of the feelings are happy and end up feeling depressed and hopeless. After therapy, there is always a reaction. three weeks ago, I came home to feeling terrified and like a man was in the house with bad intent. The kitchen door that never closes, slowly closed and I felt my mother like a giant presence in the room. Scared to go to sleep, scared to be in the house alone. Scared. This week felt any all week and full of hate. Today I came out and I was shivering all over and then cried all the way home.

Feel hopeless. Feel so lonely, I can’t cope with what my life is now. Can’t bear it without her, can’t stand being alone with no future and no her. I feel so lonely and don’t understand what happened or why she is not here. I wish she was with me going through this. i feel lost and empty and lonely. I have nowhere to go with it. I try to share it but she just gives platitudes, she doesn’t get into it with me at all. I fear everything, even my own shadow but most of all i fear that there is nothing beyond. Nothing to look forward to, nothing without her.

She is reducing her texts to me and spending less time with me. I don’t see her twice a week anymore, and it kills me. I miss her so much and a week is so long. I dread losing her altogether and dread life without her in it. There is nothing for me anymore. Making love is gone, feeling loved is gone, feeling secure and happy and feeling joy is all gone. Everything that she and our relationship together brought to me is gone and there is no future. I am lost without her and feel so empty and life seems so fruitless and empty. It is two years since she left me on Monday 1st February and yet I miss her still with all my heart and soul.

My whole life feels wasted and pointless. The greatest loss  is the joy I felt in being with her, in holding her, in loving her, in being able to touch her and make love with her, talk to her, long evenings talking and waking in the night to feel her next to me or watch her sleeping. `years and years all gone up in smoke. Nothing left except the memories and our things. She left with nothing but a few clothes and her make up. She didn’t want anything from our life. I thought I was precious to her but I was obviously nothing to her and the pain is as fresh as the day she left. I still can’t believe it. I still can’t bear life without her. Life without her is no life at all no matter what I try to do. Nothing feels the gaping hole that she left when she walked off for someone else. It made everything she ever said to me a lie. Every piece of feeling loved and cherished was collapsed in her words of I know I love you but don’t know what I want anymore. They and all the other words are etched in my memory like barbs that snatch away all the good that she ever did or said.

I can’t seem to shake it and can’t seem to move from it and dread my future and know that I can’t go and see her or hold her. I will never see her home, I will never know where she lives, I will never see her open the door to me. I will never feel her hold me in the night. I will never feel her touch me or be able to touch her. I feel so bleak tonight and so overwrought nd life I am sinking again into this endless mire that seems to be my life. I live for saturdays only because that is when I see her and even that is tarnished with sadness at what I have lost and can’t get back. I wasn’t good enough to hold her or to keep her. I wasn’t interesting enough, or exciting enough or bright enough, I simply wasn’t enough to hold her and for her to love me for life and be with me for life.

Eureka Moments!

No this is not about a wonderful invention I have created or some scientific breakthrough. However, for me, it was the culmination of everything, that spiritually, I was being told but couldn’t get. In reading something today, in reading about death, the whole thing came together and I was slapped in the face with it!

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I need to write this, in order to make it concrete. So often I have moments of inspiration or knowings or other sudden flashes of wisdom and then they are forgotten and dissolve back or are given repeatedly in different guises until my brain or heart, can finally take them on.

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I believe, this is the fight we have with the ego self. The ego self doesn’t want to know these insights or this deep wisdom, they can be threatening to what the ego wants. Certainly for me, this is why it takes me so long to actually take insights and wisdom to heart. When they are presented, I recognise them as truth but then I continue in my same old groove. The way I have been doing for years.

fighting the ego

Since the breakup of a precious relationship, I have had amazing insights and flashes of inspiration and wisdom. However, in my daily life, I have caused myself excess amounts of pain because of my mind.

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Let me explain – many people live in their head, myself included. We use logic to chew over issues, we rationalise situations, argue back and forth, the whys and wherefores of a given subject. This is even more deadly when we are talking about matters of the heart. Rationalising helps us to run from emotion, but more than that, it allows us to prop up our ego self. We are very grown up when we are being rational. We don’t want all that emotional stuff, thats screwy and is liable to cause embarrassment. Besides, our ego doesn’t want to admit defeat and give in to the ‘weakness’ of our hearts and souls.

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The following is an example of living in my head – of rationalising. Many of us need to believe in something, whether that is love, religion, our country, ‘our’ football team or whatever. Well my thing was to believe that by some means, my ex would come back and we would rebuild our lives. I was on some hero journey, denying my own needs and desires and hanging, even when it literally was a thread, to every piece of evidence that supported my belief. When evidence came into my awareness that didn’t support my belief, I became furious with anger or resentment. My head would do an inventory of all the supporting evidence and an inventory of all the evidence that didn’t support my belief. I wrangled for literally hours over and over again. I didn’t do this once or twice, no, for two years and still now, my ego fights to support both beliefs. When things were going well and the belief was supported, my ego still would throw up all the times when my belief wasn’t supported. The same would happen when I thought, no, the evidence is not there, face it, its over. Then my mind would present all the evidence to the contrary. My ego jumps from one to the other, to support whichever one might be the winner! This caused me and continues to cause me extreme pain, sometimes causing me to act in a way that was actually detrimental to me, to my life. I say this in the present because this is still true for me at this moment. I have not slayed the dragon……….Yet!

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However, in-between these rational arguments for and against, I have had countless spiritual and intuitive pieces of wisdom. When I have followed these, they have proved calming to my spirit, temporarily releasing fear and letting go of outcomes etc. I have even been shown, by various means that my head is what causes the pain and the heightened anxiety and creates the grasping, sometimes hateful nastiness and fury.

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I have tried so hard to believe that my ex is coming back that it has caused me huge amounts of pain. Looking constantly for the slightest indication that she is interested in me or feels something for me. This has caused me an endless emotional rollercoaster of feelings, e.g. grief, fury, numbness, devastation, suicidal feelings, pain – including physical pain. I have had millions of conversations with myself, rational, logical conversations which have even led to me becoming excessively insecure (how can you be insecure when they have already left you??!!), angry and resentful. Trying to believe something by will alone is exhausting – you have to constantly prop it up.

fighting the self

When we believe, we try everything to support that believe, we will fight for it, die for it. We believe ourselves to be the hero’s. Whether that is the long suffering hero, who puts up with terrible and constant dramas in our lives – we are the victim of the stories we tell about ourselves – or the religious leader who literally fights wars to support their beliefs.

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Now compare this with, I know……………………! (I am not talking about intellectually or rationally here, I am talking spiritually). Think about this, when you know something you don’t feel the need to defend it do you? It just is. I had a solid knowing that she would be at my graduation. At the time, I didn’t know how that would be possible I just knew it. At the time, we weren’t seeing each other, we had just broken up and this was over a year away. She was at my graduation. You can’t argue with a knowing, it just is. Even if you resist it and apply logic to it, it doesn’t go away.

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To know, is what is real. When you know something, it cannot be changed or removed, you simply KNOW. I have had many knowings in life, as many of us do. They do not require belief or affirmations to bring them about. They simply are, no argument can change them.

knowings

By contrast, fear is generated by belief. There is no fear in knowing, except of course if the KNOWING is how you will die! This is because for most of us, we have a fear of death, our own mortality. That is because we intrinsically fear our own death because our belief, no matter how rigidly we adhere to it cannot prevent our death. Fear creates holding on at all costs and causes us pain because we deny it and fight to keep our fears in check. Anxiety states are like fears that have run amok and is a way of protecting us from perceived dangerous situations.

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I have not reached a place in life where I have dissolved my ego and have a knowing that my spirit will live on. I believe this but I don’t KNOW it. I was so struck by this revelation this morning that I had to write it down. I am sure there are others who might find this useful in their journey. Certainly for me, I am still working on resistance and letting go and all those spiritual things that sound so easy and actually are extremely hard for some of us. I can honestly say that the idea of us all being one has never attracted me, in fact, it is a threat to my individuality. I don’t want to be part of everything, I want to be me.

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My fight with my ego self is ongoing. Many people tell me I am strong but being strong makes letting go even harder. It just means that my ego is strong and the need to be the hero of my journey is exceptionally attractive to me. Sadly in this fight, I can’t win really and I know that. I know in my heart that to give in and to stop fighting is the answer but I am not there yet.

ego 2

Conversely, I KNOW that I make my path harder because I refuse to give in. This is a fight that many of us have with our ego selves and it is not easy to let go of the ego. It is who we know of as I. It is who we generally believe ourselves to be. I am currently being dismantled and fighting it! It is scary and leaves me feeling life has no meaning. I have insight, however, because I know if I surrendered to it, it would cause me less pain and allow me to meet the dark goddess and go through the death of the self. I will keep you posted on that one.

BadbCatha

 

 

 

 

TreeSisters is a wonderful project that aims to nurture and build a positive, world-wide network of women who financially support charities and groups acro

Source: TreeSisters – Women Seeding Change

The British Way

Source: The British Way

precipice

I am standing looking down and the drop looks endless. I know I have been sitting on what I have to let go of so much so that my arm became immobile. I have been wondering why I created this and why now with my exam around the corner. However my friend sent me a very supportive text and then I read the card reading by muse darling and that cracked it for me. I realised in a gush what was happening and that despite letting go at a Samhain ritual, I was still sitting on it and holding on. Life felt hollow and shallow and as if I was going round in circles getting nowhere. Nothing made any sense. I felt cold about everything and all my zest for life and the future had dissipated along with all hope of anything. I realised, I had been cutting off for weeks and that my vitality had gone with it. My body was telling me what was going on but I couldn’t hear it. It mirrored my immobility, being stuck/blocked. I realised that all the little pieces of creativity had been just that, nothing lasting, nothing with any substance. Little pieces of the old me. I was holding off the point where I surrendered fully. I am terrified. It is impossible to express how terrifying it is to  be living in the midst of dying. Knowing that you have to die to the life you have had and let yourself crumble and release all that you have been carrying. It is like a death because you have no idea what will happen or how things will change or when or even what exactly your supposed to do. I have known this for two years and I knew it was time to move into transformation but still I didn’t fully engage. instead I have tried every way of escaping it. Trying this and that and all the time, I needed to just let go. This, even as I write it, feels surreal, unreal, impossible. To walk into an abyss, not knowing what the outcome will be or even if you will be recognisable when you come out the authorised or even if you will just lose yourself forever. I have lost so much and logically, I think, how much has to be thrown at me to make me let go. I know that logic and ego cannot cut it now. The choice is to keep going round in ever more superficial circles or jump off the precipice into the unknown. It is utterly terrifying.

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Even as I write, I have no idea of how I should do this or even if I am doing it, beyond the words. I only know the fear I feel. There is nowhere to run and nothing has any depth. I have run down an alleyway and hit a brick wall. I know I am supposed to trust but in this empty space, nothing feels certain. I feel alone and empty and can’t quite put in to words what this is. I don’t know. I have never been here. It feels as if I have to choose this death of self or all choice will be lost.

I don’t know where I am going, or how to get there, I just know i have to go! Fear has stopped me moving, fear of losing what I have already lost and fear of losing all sense of myself. Transformation, whatever that is, or however that looks is the only choice.

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This is so where I am!

The Muse's Darling

Today’s draw is about where we are now and where we’re going. We are facing a big job of getting rid of a LOT of crap. There is an entire way of being that’s currently dying (or is already dead), and we can either keep dragging that carcass around or bury it and move on. It’s time to take the lessons from it, to see where the goodness is and to bring that with us while letting the rest go. We are moving into a deeply creative period and we can’t go there or be there fully while constantly maneuvering around acres of our previous crap. Get rid of it. Clear out your house. Empty your closets of things you don’t wear. Donate stuff to charity, sell what you can, and throw away the rest. There is so much work to be done, and your stubbornness is really getting in…

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Post by @wiccanlez.

Source: The ‘soul midwives’ who help the dying pass away with dignity | Health | Life & Style | Daily Express

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